The Randall Garrett Megapack Read online

  Table of Contents

  COPYRIGHT INFO

  A NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER

  THE MEGAPACK SERIES

  INTRODUCTION

  BELLY LAUGH (1953)

  HEIST JOB ON THIZAR (1956)

  THE MAN WHO HATED MARS (1956)

  THE JUDAS VALLEY (1956)

  THE PENAL CLUSTER (1957)

  DESPOILERS OF THE GOLDEN EMPIRE (1959)

  CUM GRANO SALIS (1959)

  BUT, I DON’T THINK (1959)

  DEAD GIVEAWAY (1959)

  …OR YOUR MONEY BACK (1959)

  THE DESTROYERS (1959)

  IN CASE OF FIRE (1960)

  THE MEASURE OF A MAN (1960)

  DAMNED IF YOU DON’T (1960)

  BY PROXY (1960)

  THE HIGHEST TREASON (1961)

  A SPACESHIP NAMED McGUIRE (1961)

  HANGING BY A THREAD (1961)

  FIFTY PER CENT PROPHET (1961)

  HAIL TO THE CHIEF (1962)

  THE BRAMBLE BUSH (1962)

  …AFTER A FEW WORDS… (1962)

  ANCHORITE (1962)

  ANYTHING YOU CAN DO (Part 1) (1963)

  ANYTHING YOU CAN DO (Part 2)

  THE UNNECESSARY MAN (1959)

  COPYRIGHT INFO

  The Randall Garrett Megapack is copyright © 2013 by Wildside Press LLC. For more information, contact the publisher through wildsidepress.com or the Wildside Press Forums. For publication information on individual stories, see the Acknowledgments page.

  This is version 1.1 (correcting a few typos).

  SOURCE PUBLICATION INFORMATION

  “Belly Laugh” originally appeared in Amazing Stories, April-May 1953.

  “Heist Job on Thizar” originally appeared in Amazing Stories, October 1956.

  “The Man Who Hated Mars” originally appeared in Amazing Stories, September 1956.

  “The Judas Valley,” by Randall Garrett and Robert Silverberg, originally appeared in Amazing Stories, October 1956.

  “The Penal Cluster” originally appeared in Amazing Stories, September 1957.

  “Despoilers of the Golden Empire” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, March 1959.

  “Cum Grano Salis” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, May 1959.

  “But, I Don’t Think” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction July 1959.

  “Dead Giveaway” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, August 1959.

  “…Or Your Money Back” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, September 1959.

  “The Destroyers” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, December 1959.

  “In Case of Fire” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, March 1960.

  “The Measure of a Man” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, April 1960.

  “Damned if you Don’t” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, May 1960.

  “By Proxy” originally appeared in Astounding Science Fiction, September 1960.

  “The Highest Treason” originally appeared in Analog, January 1961.

  “A Spaceship Named McGuire” originally appeared in Analog, July 1961.

  “Hanging by a Thread” originally appeared in Analog, August 1961.

  “Fifty Per Cent Prophet” originally appeared in Analog, September 1961.

  “Hail to the Chief” originally appeared in Analog, February 1962.

  “The Bramble Bush” originally appeared in Analog, August 1962.

  “…After a Few Words” originally appeared in Analog, October 1962.

  “Anchorite” originally appeared in Analog, November 1962.

  Anything You Can Do…” originally appeared in 1963.

  “The Unnecessary Man” was originally published in Astounding Science Fiction, November 1959.

  A NOTE FROM THE PUBLISHER

  Over the last few years, our “Megapack” series of ebook anthologies has proved to be one of our most popular endeavors. (Maybe it helps that we sometimes offer them as premiums to our mailing list!) One question we keep getting asked is, “Who’s the editor?”

  The Megapacks (except where specifically credited) are a group effort. Everyone at Wildside works on them. This includes John Betancourt, Reginald Bretnor, Carla Coupe, Steve Coupe, Bonner Menking, Colin Azariah-Kribbs, A.E. Warren, and many of Wildside’s authors…who often suggest stories to include (and not just their own!).

  A NOTE FOR KINDLE READERS

  The Kindle versions of our Megapacks employ active tables of contents for easy navigation…please look for one before writing reviews on Amazon that complain about the lack! (They are sometimes at the ends of ebooks, depending on your reader.)

  RECOMMEND A FAVORITE STORY?

  Do you know a great classic science fiction story, or have a favorite author whom you believe is perfect for the Megapack series? We’d love your suggestions! You can post them on our message board at http://movies.ning.com/forum (there is an area for Wildside Press comments).

  Note: we only consider stories that have already been previously professionally published. This is not a market for new works.

  TYPOS

  Unfortunately, as hard as we try, a few typos do slip through. We update our ebooks periodically, so make sure you have the current version (or download a fresh copy if it’s been sitting in your ebook reader for months.) It may have already been updated.

  If you spot a new typo, please let us know. We’ll fix it for everyone. You can email the publisher at [email protected] or use the message boards above.

  —John Betancourt

  Publisher, Wildside Press LLC

  www.wildsidepress.com

  THE MEGAPACK SERIES

  MYSTERY

  The Achmed Abdullah Megapack

  The Charlie Chan Megapack

  The Craig Kennedy Scientific Detective Megapack

  The Detective Megapack

  The Father Brown Megapack

  The Jacques Futrelle Megapack

  The Anna Katharine Green Mystery Megapack

  The First Mystery Megapack

  The Penny Parker Megapack

  The Pulp Fiction Megapack

  The Raffles Megapack

  The Victorian Mystery Megapack

  The Wilkie Collins Megapack

  GENERAL INTEREST

  The Adventure Megapack

  The Baseball Megapack

  The Christmas Megapack

  The Second Christmas Megapack

  The Classic American Short Stories Megapack

  The Classic Humor Megapack

  The Military Megapack

  SCIENCE FICTION & FANTASY

  The Edward Bellamy Megapack

  The First Reginald Bretnor Megapack

  The Philip K. Dick Megapack

  The Randall Garrett Megapack

  The Second Randall Garrett Megapack

  The Murray Leinster Megapack

  The Second Murray Leinster Megapack

  The Martian Megapack

  The Andre Norton Megapack

  The H. Beam Piper Megapack

  The Pulp Fiction Megapack

  The Mack Reynolds Megapack

  The First Science Fiction Megapack

  The Second Science Fiction Megapack

  The Third Science Fiction Megapack

  The Fourth Science Fiction Megapack

  The Fifth Science Fiction Megapack

  The Sixth Science Fiction Megapack

  The Robert Sheckley Megapack

  The Steampunk Megapack

  The Time Travel Megapack

  The Wizard of Oz Megapack

  HORROR

  The Achmed Abdullah Megapack

  The E.F
. Benson Megapack

  The Second E.F. Benson Megapack

  The Cthulhu Mythos Megapack

  The Ghost Story Megapack

  The Second Ghost Story Megapack

  The Third Ghost Story Megapack

  The Horror Megapack

  The M.R. James Megapack

  The Macabre Megapack

  The Second Macabre Megapack

  The Mummy Megapack

  The Vampire Megapack

  The Werewolf Megapack

  WESTERNS

  The B.M. Bower Megapack

  The Max Brand Megapack

  The Buffalo Bill Megapack

  The Cowboy Megapack

  The Zane Grey Megapack

  The Western Megapack

  The Second Western Megapack

  The Wizard of Oz Megapack

  YOUNG ADULT

  The Boys’ Adventure Megapack

  The Dan Carter, Cub Scout Megapack

  The G.A. Henty Megapack

  The Penny Parker Megapack

  The Pinocchio Megapack

  The Rover Boys Megapack

  The Tom Corbett, Space Cadet Megapack

  The Tom Swift Megapack

  AUTHOR MEGAPACKS

  The Achmed Abdullah Megapack

  The Edward Bellamy Megapack

  The B.M. Bower Megapack

  The E.F. Benson Megapack

  The Second E.F. Benson Megapack

  The Max Brand Megapack

  The First Reginald Bretnor Megapack

  The Wilkie Collins Megapack

  The Guy de Maupassant Megapack

  The Philip K. Dick Megapack

  The Jacques Futrelle Megapack

  The Randall Garrett Megapack

  The Anna Katharine Green Megapack

  The Zane Grey Megapack

  The Second Randall Garrett Megapack

  The M.R. James Megapack

  The Murray Leinster Megapack

  The Second Murray Leinster Megapack

  The Andre Norton Megapack

  The H. Beam Piper Megapack

  The Mack Reynolds Megapack

  The Rafael Sabatini Megapack

  The Saki Megapack

  The Robert Sheckley Megapack

  OTHER COLLECTIONS YOU MAY ENJOY

  The Great Book of Wonder, by Lord Dunsany (it should have been called “The Lord Dunsany Megapack”)

  The Wildside Book of Fantasy

  The Wildside Book of Science Fiction

  Yondering: The First Borgo Press Book of Science Fiction Stories

  To the Stars—And Beyond! The Second Borgo Press Book of Science Fiction Stories

  Once Upon a Future: The Third Borgo Press Book of Science Fiction Stories

  Whodunit?—The First Borgo Press Book of Crime and Mystery Stories

  More Whodunits—The Second Borgo Press Book of Crime and Mystery Stories

  X is for Xmas: Christmas Mysteries

  INTRODUCTION

  Randall Garrett (December 16, 1927 – December 31, 1987) was an American science fiction and fantasy author. He was a prolific contributor to Astounding and other science fiction magazines of the 1950s and 1960s. He instructed Robert Silverberg in the techniques of selling large quantities of action-adventure science fiction, and collaborated with him on two novels about Earth bringing civilization to an alien planet.

  Garrett is best known for the Lord Darcy books, the novel Too Many Magicians, and two short story collections, set in an alternate world where a joint Anglo-French empire still led by a Plantagenet dynasty has survived into the twentieth century and where magic works and has been scientifically codified. The Darcy books are rich in jokes, puns, and references (particularly to works of detective and spy fiction: Lord Darcy is himself partially modeled on Sherlock Holmes), elements that often appear in the shorter works about the detective. Michael Kurland wrote two additional Lord Darcy novels, currently available from Wildside Press.

  Garrett wrote under a variety of pseudonyms including: David Gordon, John Gordon, Darrel T. Langart (an anagram of his name), Alexander Blade, Richard Greer, Ivar Jorgensen, Clyde Mitchell, Leonard G. Spencer, S. M. Tenneshaw, Gerald Vance. He was also a founding member of the Society for Creative Anachronism, as “Randall of Hightower” (a pun on “garret”). The short novel Brain Twister, written by Garrett in conjunction with author Laurence Janifer (using the joint pseudonym Mark Phillips) was nominated for the Hugo Award for Best Novel in 1960.

  * * * *

  An inveterate punster (defining a pun as “the odor given off by a decaying mind”), he was a favorite guest at science fiction conventions and friend to many fans, especially in Southern California.

  Garrett suffered an attack of encephalitis in the summer of 1979 and was not able to write after that; he spent the last 8 years of his life in a coma.

  In 1999, Randall Garrett won the Sidewise Award for Alternate History Special Achievement Award for the Lord Darcy series. He was also ordained in the Old Catholic Church.

  Glen Cook’s private detective character Garrett P.I. is named in honor of Garrett.

  BELLY LAUGH (1953)

  Me? I’m looking for my outfit. Got cut off in that Holland Tunnel attack. Mind if I sit down with you guys a while? Thanks. Coffee? Damn! This is heaven. Ain’t seen a cup of coffee in a year.

  What? You said it! This sure is a hell of a war. Tough on a guy’s feet. Yeah, that’s right. Holland Tunnel skirmish. Where the Ruskies used that new gun. Uhuh. God! It was awful. Guys popping off all around a guy and him not knowing why. No sense to it. No noise. No wound. Just popping off.

  That’s the trouble with this war. It won’t settle down to a routine. Always something new. What the hell chance has a guy got to figure things out? And I tell you them Ruskies are coming up with new weapons just as fast as we are. Enough to make your hair stand on end.

  Sugar? Christ, yes! Ain’t seen sugar for a year. You see, it’s like this: we were bottled up in the pits around the Tunnel for seven damn days. It was like nothing you ever saw before. Oops—sorry. Didn’t mean to splash you. I was laughing about something that happened there—to a guy. Maybe you guys would get a kick out of it. After all, we got to keep our sense of humor.

  You see, there was me and a Kentucky kid named Stillwell in this pit—a pretty big pit with lots of room—and we were all alone. This Stillwell was a nice kid—green and lonesome and it’s pretty sad, really, but there’s a yak in it, and—as I say—we got to keep a sense of humor.

  Well, this Stillwell—a really green kid—is unhappy and just plain drooling for his gal back home. He talks about his mother, of course, and his old man, but it’s the girl that’s really on his mind as you guys can plainly understand.

  He’s seeing her every place—like spots in front of his eyes—nice spots doing things to him, when this Ruskie babe shows up.

  My gun came up without any orders from me just as she poked her puss over the edge of the pit, and—huh? Oh, thank you kindly. It sure tastes good but I don’t want to short you guys. Thank you kindly.

  Well, as I was saying, this Ruskie babe pokes her nose over the edge of the pit and Stillwell dives and knocks down my gun. He says, “You son-of-a-bitch!” Just like that. Wild and desperate, like you’d say to a guy if the guy was just kicking over the last jug of water on a desert island.

  It would have been long enough for her to kill us if I hadn’t had good reflexes. Even then, all I had time to do was knock the pistol out of her hand and drag her into the pit.

  With her play bollixed, she was confused and bewildered. She ain’t a fighter, and she sits back against the wall staring at us dead pan with big expressionless eyes. She’s a plenty pretty babe and I could see exactly what had happened as far as Stillwell was concerned. His spots had come to life in very adequate form so to speak.

  * * * *

  Stillwell goes over and sits down beside her and I’m very much on the alert, because I know where his courage comes from. But I decide it’s all right, because I
see the babe is not belligerent, just confused kind of. And friendly.

  And willing. Kind of a whipped-little-dog willing, and man oh man! She was sure what Stillwell needed.

  They kind of went together like a hand and a glove—natural-like. And it followed—pretty natural—that when Stillwell got up and led her around a wing of the pit, out of sight, she went willing—like that same little dog.

  Uhuh. No, you guys. Two’s enough. I wouldn’t rob you. Well, okay, and thanks kindly.

  Well, there I was, all alone, but happy for Stillwell, cause I know it’s what the kid needs, and in spots like that what difference does it make? Yank—Ruskie—Mongolian—as long as she’s willing.

  Then, you guys, Stillwell comes back out—wall-eyed—real wall-eyed—like being hit but not knocked out and still walking. I know what it is—some kind of shock. I get up and walk over and take a look at the babe where he’d left her—and I bust out laughing. I told you guys there was a yak in this. I laughed like a fool—it was that funny. As much as I had time to, before Stillwell cracked. It was enough to crack him—the little thing that pushes a guy over the edge.

  He lets out a yell and screams, “For crisake! For crisake! Nothing but a bucket of bolts! Nothing but a couple of plastic lumps—”

  That was when I hit him. I had to. He was for the birds, Stillwell was. An hour later we got relieved and a couple of medicos carried him away strapped to a stretcher—gone like a kite.

  They took the robot too, and its clothes, but they forgot the brassiere, so I took it and I been carrying it ever since, but I’ll leave it with you guys if you want—for the coffee. Might make you think about home. After all, like the man says, we got to keep our sense of humor.

  Well, so long, you guys—and thanks.

  HEIST JOB ON THIZAR (1956)

  Anson Drake sat quietly in the Flamebird Room of the Royal Gandyll Hotel, listening to the alien, but soothing strains of the native orchestra and sipping a drink. He knew perfectly well that he had no business displaying himself in public on the planet Thizar; there were influential Thizarians who held no love for a certain Earthman named Anson Drake.

  It didn’t particularly bother Drake; life was danger and danger was life to him, and Anson Drake was known on half a hundred planets as a man who could take care of himself.

  Even so, he wouldn’t have bothered to come if it had not been for the fact that Viron Belgezad was a pompous braggart.